Pirate Diplomacy (A satire)

Categories: General
by on April 16th, 2009

Three cheers for the Navy Seals! The big story this past week was the taking by Pirates of a Danish ship with an American crew off the coast of Somalia. These pirates held the ship’s captain hostage for many days, demanding a large ransom for the brave man’s life, while cruelly distracting our President from more important matters of state, such as hosting balls, rock concerts and parties, etc., at the White House. But on Easter Sunday, Navy Seal sharpshooters killed three of the Pirates and setting their captive free.

Some rather unsophisticated so named “bitter clingers” (to their guns and religion) thought and said from the outset that we should do exactly what the sharpshooters did, and in the future arm sea going vessels that must pass through dangerous waters – and, for good measure, we perhaps should send in the Marines to clear out the Pirate base camps that have been enriching themselves by preying upon the ships of the civilized world. These bitter clingers obviously do not understand the “complexities” of the situation. In short, there can be no ultimate military solution to this problem. After all, killing Pirates would just lead to more Pirates.

After our President took credit for giving the manly order to shoot, which ended the standoff, he immediately issued an apology to the Pirate community worldwide, explaining that the root of the problem is that we (meaning George W Bush) have not respected Pirates as we should have. He self-righteously scolded that we must consider that fat, lazy, rich and stupid Americans have too often been arrogant and derisive in their dealings with the Pirate community, and now “our chickens have come home to roost.”

Speaking of self-righteous scolds, Jimmy Carter led a delegation of likeminded nincompoops to Piratestan, to prove that he is just as naive and idiotic as he ever was. Carter insists that he did not follow the new protocol of bowing down to vicious Muslim potentates, even though the picture and video clearly prove that he did. No, Carter is just so tall, and the Pirate King, Abdullah Bullah, was so short, that as he bent down towards him to give him a two-handed handshake, he momentarily got distracted by the Royal’s teeny tiny Armani shoes and bent lower to get a good look at them – he then somehow got enmeshed in the Kings robes and lost a contact lens, or something… Happily, although nothing of any significance was gained by this ridiculous confab, except that Carter lost his pocket watch and wallet somehow, the gracious King and his bloodthirsty entourage allowed Carter what he really most wanted – to have pictures taken of them arm in arm together – Carter flashing his famous smile – he never noticed that someone reached around him and gave him “rabbit ears” – and swears indignantly that said ears were photoshopped in by members of some vast right wing conspiracy. Ah well…

Realizing that Pirates haul in huge amounts of untaxed booty, the US Congress held hearings and considered levying a heavy tax on them to help us pay for social security in the coming years, when it will have become apparent to all that one future worker cannot possibly support 162 retirees, while he or she is also paying off trillions of dollars of debt that the massive bailouts and pork barrel spending has placed upon his breaking back. Nancy Pelosi donned her tiara and demanded to know where all the future taxpayers have gone. She accused all of the missing taxpayers of hiding out with their money in Swiss bank accounts. Pro-lifers pointed out that millions upon millions of them have been killed by abortion and are lost to us now, along with the millions upon millions more little future taxpayers that they would have parented if they had been allowed to live. This caused a lightbulb to immediately go on in Rahm Emmanuel’s brain, and he got busy adding these deceased taxpayers to the voter rolls of Cook County, Illinois.

The PETA people have pointed out that the Pirates are just being Pirates – it is we who have entered their habitat, thus causing this clash. There actually used to be a lot more Pirates until mankind forced them to the edge of extinction. In fact, PETA is currently working on a project to tag Pirates and release them back into the wild, where they can multiply and come back from the brink.

The World Community, with the exception of Great Britain, condemned the US for using the powerful US Navy to put an end to the unfortunate “man-caused disaster.” They noted that such an overwhelming military response by the US Navy was wildly disproportionate to the harm posed by ragtag band of oppressed Pirate freedom fighters. Three young Muslim “youths” were savagely gunned down in the US attack, while every last one of the American seaman’s lives were saved. At the very least, to achieve fairness, the Navy should have also shot the Captain, and blown one American carrier to smithereens. This might have appeased the Pirates, although we all know it would not. In any case, this international proposal was debated at the highest levels of the State Department, but rejected on the grounds that there were still too many unenlightened Americans – barbarians who have not been “re-educated” at a major Liberal University – who might just descend on Washington in their fury.

Minister Louis Farakan blamed the Jews for the incident, citing as evidence that there were originally 19 Pirates – which corresponds to the 19 tribes of Israel.
Get it??? No one mentioned the fact that 19 bugs orbited the minister’s august head as he spoke.

Pirate-Americans are upset at being singled out for approbation, bemoaning the terrible unfairness of the fact that they get blamed for everything they do. They fear that this minor incident involving a few extremist pirates might result in retribution and possibly new legislation aimed at the pirate community as a whole. Not to worry, however, since there are more pirates in the US Congress than there are in all of Somalia. The ACLU asserts that the Pirate’s rights have been violated, in that all this unwarranted attention is hurting their ability to make a dishonest living.

Stay tuned for further developments …

One response to “Pirate Diplomacy (A satire) ”

  1. Keith Walker says:

    Good post. This is exactly why I have a YouTube series called, “Quick Questions For Gun control Advocates.” Check out my playlist.
    http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=1EF58BC51B8F23CE

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